Full Metal Bracket

The Police Sergeant arrived on the scene. A strict man who was formerly in the military. He took no nonsense.

“What in the heck are you doing here?” asked the sergeant.

“Who are you,” replied the man, who was pottering about at the back of a van.

“I’M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!” scolded the sergeant.

“From now on you will speak only when spoken to…do you understand me?”

“Sir, yes, sir,” replied the mysterious man round the back of the van.

“Now let’s start again…what in the heck are you doing here?”

“SIR, sorting through my tools, sir.”

“I didn’t realise a clown needed tools. You really do look like a Joker.”

“Sir, I’m not a clown sir…I’m a handyman.”

“A HANDYMAN…and what have we got here…hammers, wrenches, plungers…and what in the name of Santa Claus is this Joker?”

“SIR, I just got it from B&Q, sir…its a Full Metal Bracket sir.”

“I didn’t ask for your life story Joker…what in earth do you need a full metal bracket for?”

“sir, to wall mount a pair of speakers, sir.”

The sergeant looked more closely into the back of the van.

“And what do you call this?”

“Sir, an iced bun, sir.”

“AN ICED BUN! You’ve got to be kidding me…do you know how hard it is to get icing out of a plunger…and do you really want your dirty plunger touching your iced bun?”


“Where should this iced bun be?”

“Sir, In my lunchbox sir.”

“So put it there JOKER!”

“Before you do that…I need to teach you a lesson. One you will never forget. Grab your plunger and grab your iced bun and follow me down the street. MARCH. Now repeat after me…”

“This is my plunger, This is my iced bun”
“This is for plumbing, This is for fun”

“This is my plunger, This is my iced bun”
“This is for plumbing, This is for fun.”

“Now run behind me at a steady pace. Let’s go around the block and repeat after me…

“I don’t want no pukka pie”
“I just want CVI”
“I don’t know but I’ve been told”
“Eskimo van insurance is mighty cold”

“Now STOP Joker. Look here at my smartphone. I’m connecting to CVI, the Nations Favourite and filling in the details of your van. Ok here come the quotes…

“Get some”

“Get some”

“Get some”

“Get some”

The sergeant said as every quote came through, one by one from van insurance companies and brokers.


And that, oh faithful readers of CVI is where the story ends. These are the last words our CNR wrote before he headed off to Paris, France, and now he is doing time in Bordeaux at a maximum security prison.

Hi, it’s the JNR here and you might be wondering what this story is all about? After doing some research it appears our CNR was actually writing about a story where a thief convinced a police sergeant he was the owner of the van…before making off with £9000 worth of tools.

This happened right outside of the house where the real van owner was sleeping. He awoke to find his van had been ransacked.

Initially the sergeant was sceptical, but the thief convinced him he was the real deal, and once the sergeant left the scene then in about 20 minutes the thief had wiped out the van and disappeared into the early morning.

Fortunately the story does have a happy ending as the thief was eventually caught and is now doing 5 months inside for his trouble.

How everyone here at CVI HQ wishes our CNR was only doing 5 months but instead he is doing 7 years. It is going to be a long time until we read such genius again.

© 2021 All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. See our copyright notice.

Share your views

To leave a comment on this story, please insert your details below.