Summer of Scam – White Van Men Unhinged

Unchained, unleashed and….unhinged? That is the word on the street of where white van drivers are right now.

We wanted it to be different. Only a few weeks ago everyone here at CVI HQ, well, we all joined hands and sang Mariah Carey songs in honour of White van men.

Our reporter was given a stern telling off with strict orders to stop the outrageous headlines when it came to our nations white van owners.

However…reports of white van mayhem kept on piling up on the desk. The phone rang around the clock and every way we turned there seemed to be more stories about the white van man becoming unhinged…yet again.

“We can’t hide the truth forever,” we said. So the only option was to give the truth torch back to our chief news reporter who was in Somerset covering a story about lampposts.

Over to the reporter…

Hi, It’s the chief news reporter from CVI.

After the humiliation of being made to sing Mariah Carey songs I had been relegated to reporting on vanilla stories in the van world – I was on my way back to HQ after a visit to Somerset when a text came through to my Motorola from HQ.

”White van drivers unhinged…tell the truth…” said the text.

Those are the only words I needed to hear.

“Turn the CVI limo around,” I said to the driver, “and head towards the action…”

The first stop on our tour was to the city of Edinburgh, North of the Border. It was there I came across a story of how a white van man had been caught speeding twice, but then, doctored photos of his van and sent hoax images to Edinburgh police.

“The summer of scam,” was the first words I wrote in my notepad.

This particular white van owner eventually got caught, and is now serving 6 months behind bars for his trouble.

“Next stop…Sunderland,” I said to the CVI limo driver, and in a few hours we arrived South of the Border to the North East English city.

It was there I learned of an incident that happened recently, involving a…yes, you guessed it…white van man!

This guy from Sunderland “borrowed” his mates white Ford transit van while high on Puff, the magic dragon, and then played “hogs of the road” for 60 miles, leaving behind him a trail of destruction.

Police eventually caught up with him, and he was recently sentenced to 300 hours of unpaid work, 15 rehabilitation days and £85 quid in court costs.

I was going to interview some witnesses in Sunderland that witnessed the rampage but then I got another text from HQ…”go to Bedfordshire,” were the words on my Motorola.

So the CVI limo was back on the road yet again and once in Bedfordshire we learned of yet more white van mayhem.

This time a white van ploughed in the wall of cottage in a quiet village, although the white van man himself was far from innocent.

“Coked up!” is the words I wrote in my notepad after interviewing witnesses to the event.

The driver was high on on his own supply as he drove the Citroen Berlingo directly through a hedge and into the wall of a cottage.

Police caught the driver, and he has since been sentenced to 14 months in the slammer.

I’ve just got another text through from HQ. It looks as though this is going to be a busy summer.

“Drive me to Cardiff,” I’ve just said to the CVI limo driver.

Stay tuned for more updates…

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